Ever had moments where you entirely lost faith in yourself? Where you felt that you were not worthy? You go to a dark cold place where you just give in and give up? Well, I have been there, I have lived that life. It’s an exhausting, heart wrenching, pissing ordeal that consumes you and you don’t know how to get yourself out of the seemingly unending funk. At one point or the other, most of us have gone through it.
Life is so taxing, so demanding, that the pressures that come with it can literally drive you up a wall. Balancing life, work, home, family, can sometimes prove a bit challenging for some of us. These pressures, if not handled with care, end up impacting our physical, emotional and psychological well-being.
I am an ambivert, bordering introvert. Most times, I find myself avoiding people and situations and I sometimes hate going outside. I am most comfortable being inside my room enjoying my own company. My friends, on the other hand, will tend to differ coz I’m always this happy go lucky kinda person who seems to have it all together but in real sense, I’m a total mess.
I am also a terrible people pleaser. I have a hard time saying ‘No’ and hate to disappoint those around me. Maybe it stems from my need to feel accepted and appreciated. I dunno! I feel bad when someone is angry with me and I go to great lengths to avoid conflict. It’s a rut I’m trying to get out of. And let’s not get started on my procrastination issues… it’s bad!
For me, the pressures began when I started to beat myself up on where my life was supposed to be versus where it actually was. I started comparing my life with the lives of those around me. Big mistake! There is nothing worse than comparing yourself to your peers. You’ll die of disappointment…hehe. You see, I found myself out of work for a really long time, tried to do some hustles here and there but nothing really stuck. Trying to balance life, being a mommy, a daughter, a wife, a student all started to get the best of me. The frustration of nothing really looking up started to get to me. I remember one time I even thought of myself as a looser. I just wasn’t worthy anymore and invited the miserable not good enough emotions take and rule over me. I created this horrible life for myself and I got stuck in a bubble that I really wasn’t willing to burst. Then, I started self-sabotaging and threw myself a pity party of one and as you guessed it, everything started to go downhill.
I started feeling sad and sorry for myself. I always felt hopeless and lost and didn’t enjoy life as I used to. Later on, I started being really afraid and worried every single moment of every single day. I dunno why. I planted this seed inside me and dug myself in too deep that I was now an emotional wreck. By the time I realized what I’d done to myself, I was already too far gone. I really messed up my self-esteem, my confidence, and became my harshest critic. I basically killed my self-worth and reduced myself to nothing.
So I had battles and struggles within myself. It’s really hard to get out of a funk that you brought on yourself. The fight between the monster you’ve created and the person you yearn to become is a tough one. And after years of doing this to myself, I ended up having depression and anxiety. It’s a terrible place to be in. You become toxic, not only to yourself but to those around you too. You start being mad at anything and everything and are always bitter and angry. I was broken and life had no meaning. It was just darkness and emptiness around me.
Then one day, you either snap or get an awakening. For me, I snapped and everything went to hell. It was a nightmare, to say the least. I couldn’t get myself out. I hated myself, hated how I looked, thanks to the pathetic comfort eater I had become. I was too far in that basic things like getting out of bed proved to be hard. So I just cruised on with that dark cloud hanging over me and it became a part of who I was. I was on autopilot for the longest time. With that, I became the worst friend, the worst wife, the worst mother. And no one no longer wanted to be around me. That’s when I knew it was time my dear friends. Time to get me out of that shit hole. And boy was it hard!
It started with me accepting that I had a problem and needed help. It was the hardest thing I think I’ve ever had to do in my life so far. Acceptance. So I sought help, and the first thing my doc told me was, “Judy, the first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are!” Folks, I had to leave. I couldn’t stay there anymore. And there started my journey to healing and fixing myself. I now had to do counseling sessions, do medication, and do a lot of damage control. I had to learn to love myself again. I became more appreciative of who I was and with that, forgiveness set it.
Slowly, I started letting go of the things that I had no control over and started saying and living the serenity prayer. I started exercising, being careful with what I was eating, reaching out to my go-to people for support especially when I have those tough days, started making easy short term goals and patting myself on the back when I achieved them. I’m now trying to re-discover my strengths and interests. I am more focused on life and I realized, the hard way, of course, that life is not a competition and all I have to do is take it easy. So I’m taking it a day at a time… and basically kicking ass at life right now! My guys, I am winning!!
There is no greater belief than believing in YOU. I realized I have to fight my own demons. I’ve got to try to get up and show up. So I push myself and believe that I can do it. I am no longer afraid of being judged and misunderstood (trust me; the judgment that comes from people when you are in such a state is the worst. It breaks you. Especially when it comes from those closest to you. But I get it; people tend to criticize what they don’t fully understand)
I am slowly and steadily getting there. No shame in admitting that I am human. So this is me wearing my heart on my sleeve and ultimately speaking and living my truth! No pity needed here also. I am doing well! Hehe
If you are going through a tough time, just know that it’s a passing cloud. It’s part of life and sometimes, for you to get a rainbow, you’ve got to put up with the rain. So pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start again! If I did it, you can do it too.
I dedicate this song and to myself and everyone struggling with their demons in one way or another. We live to fight another day!!